Survival Skills for Families
Your student is beginning an exciting journey, and you’re beginning this journey, too. You will share the joys and sorrows, successes and failures just as vividly. Of course, no one can ensure that the first year at college will be easy for you or your student, but these guidelines may help.
1. Do not ask them if they are homesick.
The power of suggestion can be dangerous.
Meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes a lot of time and concentration. So, unless reminded by well meaning parents the idea of being homesick often does not occur. They miss you, even if they do not tell they do.
2. Write or e-mail (even if they do not write or e-mail back)
The surge of first-year student independence may be misinterpreted as rejection by sensitive family members, but most freshman want some news of home and family. There is nothing more depressing than an empty mailbox. Warning – do not expect a reply to every letter or e-mail you send. If you are using e-mail, you may get a reply more frequently simply because it’s easier. At Buffalo State, e-mail access is a free service to all students.
3. Ask questions (but not too many)
Many first-year students desire the security of knowing that you are still interested in them, however, depending on the attitudes of the persons involved, that curiosity may add more stress than relief. “I-have-aright-to-know,” questions with ulterior motives, or “the nag” should be avoided. Honest inquiries, and good communication and discussion will do much to maintain good relationships.
4. Do not worry (too much) about emotional phone calls, letters, or e-mails
Unfortunately, the only time that the urge to communicate is felt strongly, is when troubles become overwhelming (a flunked test, broken relationship, and white shirt “turning” pink). You may never hear about the “A” paper, new relationships, etc.
Be patient with that nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place communication. You are providing a real service as an advisor, sympathetic ear, or punching bag. Granted, it is a service that my not feel good to you, but it works wonders for a frustrated student.
5. Visit (but not too often)
Family visits (especially those that include a shopping spree or meal) are greatly appreciated, even if first-year students are reluctant to admit it. Visits are a chance for important people in both the student’s worlds to become acquainted with each other and for family to understand a student’s commitments to their new environment. It’s best to schedule visits ahead of time, as “surprises” may preempt needed study time or special campus events.
6. It’s all part of growing up
The first year can be full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and new friends, but also can be fraught with indecision, disappointments and mistakes. It will take time for some student to accept that being happy, sad, confused, liked, disappointed, and making mistakes are all part of growing up.
Family members need to understand that there are many bumps along the way and that being college education does not mean being mistake-proof. The family that accepts and tries to understand the student’s experience is providing support and encouragement when it is needed most.
7. Take time to discuss finances
Most college students are still financially dependent to some degree. Sit down and discuss your family’s financial situation with your student. A student needs to know how much money will be available and how much of the fiscal responsibility is his or hers.
8. Prepare for their return
When the semester ends and your student returns home for vacation, plan to sit down and discuss the rules of living at home. The family needs to respect the individuality the student has worked so hard to achieve, and the student needs to know that there are rules and courtesies to be observed.
9. Trust them
Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing you. One of the most important things you can do as a relative is to give your student your trust.